Star Crash 1978 ***1/2

Dir: Lewis Coates aka Luigi Cozzi

Stars: Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, David Hasselhoff, Robert Tessier, Christopher Plummer, Joe Spinell


Speaking off Star Wars knockoffs that are a lot of fun, there is also Star Crash, which stars Caroline Munro as Stella Star, a roguish, lovable space outlaw who travels through space with her odd, superpowered companion Arkton, portrayed by the former evangelical child minister Marjoe Gortner. After pursuit and capture, the pair is eventually called for an assignment from the benevolent Emperor of the galaxy, played by Christopher Plummer, to find his missing son, lost when three launches took off from a space ship being attacked by the Doom Machine belonging to the diabolical Count Zarth Arn. Stella is joined by two space cops, the likable but oddly named Elle, a robot, and a blue humanoid alien named Thor, not to be confused with the thunder god, portrayed by the Dr. Evil-esque Robert Tessier.


The search for the missing son, who eventually turns out to be none other than the Hoff, is a lot of fun to watch as the heroes explore the planets where the launches crashed, finding various perils such as a tribe of scantily clad space amazons, of course, their giant robot, an ice planet that gets even colder at night, and a planet full of what seem to be mutant cavemen. When the son, wielding a fairly unapologetic light sabre clone, is finally located, they then have to come up with a way of defeating the evil count and his Doom Machine, though only after an epic battle between Arkton and two creepy looking stop motion sword fighting robots. These and several other creatures in the film show the distinct influence of Ray Harryhausen.

Shout! Factory has put out a deluxe set for this cult classic film, and reading the booklet that is included, with text by Stephen Romano, made me realize how much there is to appreciate about living in a time where films like this are available on DVD, remembering how in the olden times they were rare on VHS, and usually only in poor copies (though I do have friends who collect VHS originals, more power to 'em). Romano also makes an impassioned case for the soulfulness of this film. The effects are easy to see through, and space looks like Christmas with multicoloured stars , but there is a kind of dreamlike beauty to it all. I also like the costume designs quite a bit, they look straight out of comic books, with many shiny tunics, pointy shoulder pads and capes.

Star Wars took elements of old science fiction b-movies and serials and forged them into "A" material. Since there were several b-knockoffs, or perhaps more than several, another contribution Star Wars might be credited was in helping bring back to the b-movies what had been largely absent since older times, the planet tripping and space battles of heroes like Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers against goateed maniacal villains. Star Crash does it all again in grand style with more effects and slightly less clothes.

The Ice Pirates 1984 *** 1/4

Dir: Stewart Raffill

Stars: Robert Urich, Michael D. Roberts, Mary Crosby, Anjelica Huston, Ron Perlman, John Matuszak


It is the far future where flights across the galaxy are common but water is scarce. People who grew up in the eighties will recall how frightened we all were that humans would developinterstellar travel and find there wasn't any place to get a drink. Of course nowadays we've known for a while there is probably water on Mars so this all seems laughable to young people who can begin each day with confidence that if they travel into space they won't end up like the Sesame Street Agua guy.

Robert Urich, looking grungily like the missing link between Han Solo and Jack Sparrow, leads a group of scallywags and ne'er-do-wells through space, their mission to steal water from people who have a lot of it. We can take comfort that the people they are stealing from are all pure evil and imperialistic, natch, a dynamic which in movies automatically makes thieves heroes. Joining him on the crew is Anjelica Huston as a warrior woman of space, and a youthful Ron Perlman, who ends up looking strangely small here in comparison with co-stars Urich and John Matuszak. Matuszak joins the cast as the plot goes along and they find themselves imprisoned by evil, evil galactic evil people, among whom is the lovely and slightly less evil Princess Karina. She is portrayed sultrilily by Mary Crosby, daughter of Bing. I can't help but speculate part of the idea of casting her was because, since Princess Leia was played by the daughter of a famous singer, maybe that would be the charm for this picture. Whatever the reason, she actually comes off as more royal than Carrie Fisher, though less sassy. I recall Crosby playing a henchwoman of Lex Luthor in about the third episode of Lois and Clark. And speaking of performers who later appeared in nineties TV shows, the cast also features Michael D. Roberts as the robot expert of the crew. Roberts would later appear in an episode of Seinfeld as an expenses accountant in the Peterman company, the one who demands Elaine produce the very expensive fur hat George bought on her account and then lost. Co-stanza!

It soon develops that Karina's father is lost in space, having gone on a quest to find the legendary 7th world, and she recruits the pirates to help her go off in search of him. This doesn't fit well with the evil rulers of the galaxy, led by a sickly John Carradine and a nasty Jeremy West, who are in hot pursuit.

There are a ton of b-highlights to this film, which is why I give it a solid three stars by the criteria of this blog (with the extra quarter for my own sentimental attachment); chases through a futuristic city (the long shots of which use models from Logan's Run), strange vehicles, swordfights, slapstick robots, an army of bikini clad warrior women, bizarre aliens, a prissy living head without a body, and more. One of the notable aspects is the strange naturalism to the direction, which seems to take its cues from Alien, with a grainier look like perhaps Raiders of the Lost Ark or even Missing in Action. The approach may seem strangely incongruous in what is purportedly a space spoof - which audiences, especially in a post-Spaceballs world, would expect to be brighter and splashier. And yet, it's among the idiosyncracies that have maintained my fascination with this minor cult film ever since I first videotaped it from TV in the eighties. There are also some gripping cameos, particularly Robert Symonds as Lanky Nibs, a fellow space pirate who was caught in a space warp and rapidly aged without reaching the 7th world. I am always impressed when an actor can appear in one scene of a movie, as a character who is supposed to have a history with the other characters, and seem as if they have always been there. That is good acting, no matter the context, or perhaps especially if the context is as farflung and otherworldly as it is here.

Better than Star Wars!...is the frequent claim of those who champion one or another of the various knockoffs and wannabes that followed in the years after the 1977 original. It makes a good shock value stink bomb to throw into a room for some attention grabbing, but also ends up looking pretty futile and desperate. Hey everybody, look at me, I don't like that thing that everybody else likes! I'm so different!

I certainly won't make that claim in the case of The Ice Pirates, but it is some good clean eighties space fun and features some good performances that are maybe a bit above the level of the script, which nonetheless manages a lot of amusing space zingers and some bizarre twists. Yes, the movie often feels like it's being made up as it goes along, but I find in about half the cases where a film feels like that, I enjoy it. This is one of those times.