Return of the Swamp Thing 1989 ***

Dir: Jim Wynorski
Stars: Louis Jourdan, Heather Locklear, Sarah Douglas, Dick Durock

I can remember as a youngster videotaping this from late night cable and watching it over and over again, not exactly knowing what it was I was looking at. I was young and naive enough to think that, extracting the more fantastical elements, perhaps somewhere in the world people actually behaved like the people in the movie. Watching it again now, I realize what a good time the performers were having and how seriously it wasn't being taken. This a well-balanced monster comedy with many riotous elements such as bantering backwoods scumbags and porn-loving kids. At the same time, the filmmakers wisely never let the creature himself lose his dignity. There are some very capable moments of light horror film making, as an establishing shot of rained out trailer park that reminded me of an old EC Comics horror cover, appropriately enough, for surely Swamp Thing's comic book ancestors lurked in the pages of those classic Gaines stories.

This continues from the more grainy theatrical original that starred Adrienne Barbeau, but this one takes the mickey out of the concept while paying tribute to old fifties monster films like The Fly, as we are escorted early on through a mad scientist lab full of nicely made-up mutant freaks. Jourdan plays a slightly lascivious but nevertheless likable villain in Arcane, showing only a slight flagging in his enthusiasm for the part from the original film. There is even a great scene where he is shown, Captain Nemo-like, maniacally playing organ. The gorgeous Sarah Douglas plays her part as his assistant with great panache, and all his underlings are worth watching. Dick Durock as the creature, despite working in a deliberate farce - though with a more elaborate make-up job than the first time - creates a monster hero that is genuinely sympathetic and noble, inviting comparisons to the Toxic Avenger and Lou Ferrigno's Hulk.

But the film belongs to Heather Locklear. Her presence drives the plot, and she has many good lines - "I just love it when guys peel out!" As perhaps the most prominent in a generation of smart blondes, she makes it work as well as it does. It's a hilarious romp with genuine heart, and the entertainment never lets up.

Kong Island 1968 ** 3/4

Dir: Robert Morris aka Roberto Mauri

Stars: Marc Lawrence, Brad Harris, Esmeralda Barros, Adriana Alban, Ursula Davis

This Italian movie is also known as King of Kong Island, but don't let either title fool you, the apes in this are all regular sized. But gorillas are gorillas, and I'm a sucker for any movie with gorillas, especially if they are portrayed by people in gorilla costumes, and especially if, as in this movie, they are remote controlled by a mad scientist. The Leonard Maltin Movie Guide says this movie is "not even good for laughs". I beg to differ, but that could be because I find amusement in the concept of a mad scientist named Albert plotting to somehow control the world with an army of mind controlled gorillas in Africa. There are, admittedly, a lot of scenes where the film drags, as people walk endlessly through the jungle, but there's a lot to recommend it, as there is a jungle girl, referred to as "The Sacred Monkey", and a kind of fun dancing/club scene, as well as just a bizarre, twisted plot. One highlight includes the gorillas invading a camp and kidnapping the breathtaking Ursula Davis, also seen in Crypt of the Vampire and An Angel for Satan; she's one of my favourite Eurohorror beauties, seeming to always play the "good girl".

The last twenty or so minutes are especially good, as everything comes to a head and there is one fight after another in the lab/cave hideout of Albert; man versus man, woman versus woman, mad scientist versus gorilla. I must also admit I like this movie because it seems like something I may have caught part of on TV when I was a kid and been forever baffled and intrigued. I'm not sure if I really did, but it has that sort of strange evocative feel for me, between the nonstop muzak soundtrack and the blurry, otherworldly visuals. It puts me into a good b-movie trance, what can I say. That's what I look for.

Monsters Crash the Pajama Party 1965 ***1/2

Dir: David L. Hewitt

Stars: Vic McGee, Peter James Noto, James Reason

Perhaps the greatest half-hour absurdist saga of all time. It's amazing how much insanity is packed into the short running time of this oddity, which was originally presented with live actors participating so it would seem as if things were coming out of the screen at you. When watched as is, this makes it all the more surreal and disjointed. This is available from Something Weird Video, packaged with a bunch of other curiosities, including the Richard Carlson ghost noir, Tormented, of which I was very glad because my own copy of that stopped working half way through. The main feature has just about everything I look for in a b-movie, so much I'm sure I will run out of space for the labels as it only allows 200 characters, so I will have to choose the most prominent aspects.

The Curious Dr. Humpp aka La Venganza Del Sexo 1967 ***

Dir: Emilio Vieyra
Stars: Gloria Prat, Richard Bauleo, Aldo Barbero, Hippies, Lesbians
A line from this movie, “Use my body to keep you alive,” prefaces the Rob Zombie song “Never Gonna Stop Me.” Print watched was the later, Americanized version where more overt sexual scenes were spliced in. Plot involves a grim-faced scientist kidnapping randy young people to copulate, which somehow provides him with a serum to keep him young forever. A talking brain in a jar is in league with him (reminiscent of Krang and Shredder on TMNT, retroactively), and his beautiful assistant pines for him. He tells her that her body is his to use as he pleases. Contains some genuinely weird scenes and moody, dark cinematrography. The charmingly unaffected Gloria Prat is the focus of desire for Humpp’s strange creature-ally. Action moves very quickly, as in the first few minutes we see the creature and Humpp’s automaton slaves, who actually look a great deal like the aliens in Killers from Space. Has almost everything you look for in a great B: a mad scientist, a monster, a beautiful girl (well several actually), a talking brain, drug use and murder. The elements gel almost perfectly, and only the overt sexuality becomes a bit of a drawback, as some of the naked scenes, likely not in the original cut, get too long and tedious. For my money the gorgeous and exotic Prat, fully clothed, or at most in a semi sheer nightgown, is much hotter than any nudity. Suggestion is the power of a good B. Or to put it another way, if an exploitation schlock movie is presented as legitimate but has a sexual subtext, that’s more interesting and enticing, and a more telling analog to daily life, than if it’s just a porno with a concept. Also, it’s more fun, and more funny. Otherwise, though - totally a classic. Soundtrack is beautiful, a lot of moody flute helps maintain the nighttime eeriness of many of the shots. Most of Vieyra’s technique is to film outside in the middle of the night with a floodlight, but it works very well for him.

Here's a trailer for a Vieyra movie that I like even better for no sensible reason, called alternately Feast of Flesh. Gloria Prat also appears in this underappreciated classic of eeriness and overdub.